Self-confidence and self-esteem are not the same thing. They might overlap but are not the same thing. What an eye opener it was for me to realise this.
It’s a pretty weird concept, isn’t it? You would say that if one’s there, the other one will come naturally.
And to be sure of this statement I had to Google it first. Google knows everything.
No, that’s not actually true. But I do get curious sometimes whether other people have had the same thoughts as me before. And of course, according to Google, many people have.
The reason I’m bringing this up is because I have been struggling with low self-esteem for a while now, but I wasn’t aware of it because my self-confidence has grown quite strong in the past decade. And like I said before: it seems so logical that with one there, the other will probably be there too.
The tricks the mind plays with us sometimes… It’s quite astonishing.
Before I dive into the topic fully, I’ll share some background on why this subject came to mind:
It’s been three months since I’ve moved to Australia and about six months since I had some time of solitude in New Zealand. So, let’s say six months of deep self-work and finding my purpose in life and the life I want to live. Which is a lifestyle where I’m close to nature, live minimalistic and with respect and kindness to the world around me. A simple and sweet world.
One thing that was very clear to me from a young age was this: I don’t want to live the life everyone seems to be living. But I had no idea what it was I wanted then.
Over the past 10+ years I travelled, worked, and partied A LOT. I made some memories (erased some memories too), chose not to commit to anything, and was struggling hard to finish a college degree. But I was good at the social part of it. I was a well-respected employee at several student jobs and had a large social circle after a few years of studying.
It wasn’t until COVID hit I realised how much I enjoyed the quiet time and the simpleness of life. By taking all distractions away, the only thing that was left for me was going for walks with a take-away chai in a reusable cup.
And there are three elements in that scenario that I never knew were very important to me:
Being outdoor is better than being indoor.
Chai is even better in nature.
Single use containers are stupid and unnecessary.
Not trying to proof my point at all here 🙂
The relevance of these things wasn’t quite clear to me yet at that point, but only a few years later when I started travelling again.
Back to the topic:
I’ve always been considered a relatively shy person because I was usually the quiet one in a crowd. But once I was comfortable, I became more vocal and not long after that I took control of the situation entirely. It’s in my nature. Has been since I was a kid.
So, it didn’t come as a surprise I had the ambition to grow into leading roles at work, in school, and even in my friend groups. Organising events, taking the lead in projects, you name it and I will probably have done it.
And I was good at it too. I was valued for it, and I made a reputation for myself where I was respected for my professional and mature approach in most situations.
Until the alcohol kicked in.
And that’s when the other side of me came out. This clumsy, sometimes rude and usually careless person who crawled her way home on occasion or fell of her bicycle being too stubborn to walk. This side was only seen by the few people I was closest with, and they didn’t think much of it because they weren’t making the best decisions of their lives then either. It was a big “let’s just pretend this is normal behaviour and blame the rural twenties for it” kind of attitude.
But then my friends started to move on and live the life I knew I never wanted to live. I started to fall out of place and I did still want to go out and get messy because I wasn’t sure which direction I wanted my life to take. I only knew which way I didn’t want it to take and that was the one most of my friends were heading. That was pretty confusing.
Long story short: I found myself still making quite a few poor decisions until I was 30+ years old and was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Whilst still having a good job and a big social circle.
Those poor decisions were the root of the self-esteem issue in my early twenties and it didn’t get much better since. It was self-inflicted pain and aside from one very disturbing incident I had no control over, it was mostly me making the poor decisions all by myself and needing to live with the consequences.
And that is not a great feeling for a very vulnerable, emotional, highly sensitive, very impressionable, and overanalysing introvert like me.
But the sad thing was no one really knew that was that no one really knew the real me hiding behind the partying and outgoing, but also strong and quite successful professional person who worked her way up to leading roles and got along with almost everyone she crossed paths with.
I was great at life. Or so it seemed.
But I wasn’t happy with life. I wasn’t calm.
If anything, I was in a constant state of trying to balance out the chaos going on in my head thinking this was a normal thing to do for a normal adult living a normal life. And by normal I really mean societally accepted.
During all those rural years my confidence went up, because life was giving me great opportunities. But my self-esteem kept being left behind in the process because I found value and acceptance in the wrong things. In external things.
By getting promoted, getting attention, sexual validation, and finding myself in situations I wasn’t comfortable in but calling them “putting myself out there because that’s what an adult is supposed to do”, I was ignoring the real person inside of me who craved routine and rest.
And nature.
God, how I have been missing out on nature for a big part of my twenties.
A little side story: my favourite childhood memories are the ones from my parents, brother, and I going on camping trips. Every year they took us to a place somewhere south from where we lived and drove to a few campsites to just hang out, read books, and walk around for two weeks. And I LOVED every single bit of it.
I remember crying at the end of summer for all those beautiful moments that had ended.
Anyways, I hope all of this paints a picture of how contradictory my life was to the person who I actually am. It didn’t add up at all.
Until now.
And the reason why I am writing all of this is well, to get it out of my system first. Flush it out as I like to call it. Writing things down really helps me to put things in perspective.
But secondly, it’s because some people might read this and think: okay that’s great and all, but you’ve only figured what you actually want in life a few months ago so who’s to say you’ll stick to your current healthy, simple, and balanced lifestyle if you fucked up so many times in life before?
And I can tell you this: I would be skeptical too. I would ask myself the exact same question.
But there is nothing, NOTHING that will make me go back to how I was living before I made this move. And I’m not just talking about the physical move, it’s mostly the mental move.
I have never felt more at home in myself and that is a fantastic feeling I am never going to take for granted anymore.
Will I still screw up things here and there? Of course.
Poor decision making? Yes, this will also be part of it.
But I learned to listen to my intuition and my intuition is strong. It’s my guide. And it took me a while to hear it again but it’s here now and it’s stronger than ever.
So, trust me when I say: this is the way I want to live and will keep living.
It’s really that simple.
And it’s only now I realised my self-esteem is on a healing journey. And that feels nice. It’s a feeling I don’t ever want to lose again. But when I say journey, I mean an actual journey. It’s a long way ahead. But I’m excited!
The newfound self-appreciation and acceptance coming from within instead of seeking it from the outside world, was worth giving up my whole previous life for.
And that’s the whole honest truth.
Now I’ll go back to strolling along the coast and trying to keep my plants alive!
All the love.
Xoxo Domi
Bình luận